If I Could Erase Myself From The World

I wish i never existed. 
If every trace of my existence could be wiped from this earth, i wouldnt have had to hurt all that ive hurt. 
I don't deserve any love.
I don't deserve to be loved. 
I hate how I am. 

I hate how much i made you hurt. 
I miss you. I love you.
But maybe i never knew how to love. 
I dont know how to love myself.
I dont know how to love God.
Who am i say that i love you? 
I prolly dont know how to love you.
I cheated. Even though i never did after but i still did. I lied. I dont want to lose you. 
My heart is heavy, numb with a tinge of sourness. 
I constantly feel like crying but i cant stop everything in my life to wallow. I have to go to work. But right after i just go home and crash. I havent been eating much and i dont feel like doing anything at all. 
I feel myself slipping back in to the darkest depths of my depression but i promised you that i would stay strong. That i wouldnt hurt myself. I promised so many people that i wouldnt slip back in but it seems easier to do so than struggle to stay afloat each passing day. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

21 Feb 2019

So.... im in KKH right now. Did an ultrasound scan at 10.30am, finished at 11am and started waiting for my doctor's appointment at 2.20pm. 4 damned hours. Here i am sitting at a hospital waiting seat outside the diagnostic rooms and i'm wishing and chanting in my mind, that id get cancer. That later when i walk in to the room the doctor would sit me down and tell me gravely that i have cancer. That the cyst near my ovary is cancerous. That i would die. Not because of what I did but what life did. Funny how when i was younger I had so many dreams and i wanted grow older faster, now that im in my 20s, all my hopes and dreams seem far away and the only comfort i have is the hope of my death. Supposed to be doing my school work and office work, hell, i've got a ton of things to do and havent done. But the one thing i really want is for my life to have an expiry date soon. In 2 years maybe, or 3. It would be enough to do all i want before i pass on. I dont think i would have any...
Read more

Am I too Sensitive

What started off as a great day out with the boy and Aud+Nel, turned in to somewhat of an upsetting one right after brunch. I was hopping happily on the way to the MRT platform with Don in front and apparently almost kicked someone at the back. I mean i assumed the two girls were in tow so i didnt think too much but when it happened, Don basically told me to stop sternly. I mean... why? Why the anger though. Then i got abit upset and started to walk away a little keeping some distance between us so i could just cool down a little. When we got to the platform, he snapped at me asking why am i like that just because i did something wrong and he told me to stop then now im upset at him? I dont know. All i know is im upset. I feel like he couldve had the same intention in a different tone of voice. He didnt have to be so stern and angry. Maybe im too sensitive. I dont know. 
Read more