21 Feb 2019

So.... im in KKH right now. Did an ultrasound scan at 10.30am, finished at 11am and started waiting for my doctor's appointment at 2.20pm. 4 damned hours. Here i am sitting at a hospital waiting seat outside the diagnostic rooms and i'm wishing and chanting in my mind, that id get cancer. That later when i walk in to the room the doctor would sit me down and tell me gravely that i have cancer. That the cyst near my ovary is cancerous. That i would die. Not because of what I did but what life did. Funny how when i was younger I had so many dreams and i wanted grow older faster, now that im in my 20s, all my hopes and dreams seem far away and the only comfort i have is the hope of my death.

Supposed to be doing my school work and office work, hell, i've got a ton of things to do and havent done. But the one thing i really want is for my life to have an expiry date soon. In 2 years maybe, or 3. It would be enough to do all i want before i pass on. I dont think i would have any regrets.

God i know you are real but can you hear me? If you can, please. Change my life, end it or just give me cancer.

Im tired, im so tired. Too tired to care. Too weary to hope. I just want to cease to exist. or hide away with no pain no regrets no emotions. Sleep is an escape. Sleep is what i want forever.